The perfect cup {a marriage post}


Okay, I’ve started my coffee. It’s making those warm foaming sounds in the kitchen. It sounds heavenly.

However, I know for a fact that once it’s done making those perfect morning sounds and I go pour myself a cup, the ensuing experience will be less than wonderful. I have been trying to make my own pot of coffee for weeks. And yet, I cannot seem to get it right. I swear I use almost the same measurements every morning and yet, sometimes my coffee is straight bitterness, sometimes I get a mouthful of grinds, and most times, it’s watery. Once – on a Sunday morning, I made the perfect cup. PERFECT! I thought I had figured out the secret.

But that was two weeks ago and I haven’t had a good cup since. But I keep drinking it…because I’m committed. ;)

I wish Dutch Brothers delivered. They just opened a new location, literally a two minute walk from my front door, but Noah sleeps until 8 and there’s no way I’m waking him up early to go get my fix. So. Grindy coffee it is.

I was so excited to find this community brew link up this morning. Marriage is one of my favorite things to think about, talk about, and do something about. God has never stopped teaching my how to be a better wife.

My husband and I celebrated our three-year anniversary last week. It was so wonderful to have adults-only time (Noah was with my aunt) and so wonderful to sit down and talk with the man I love. We have recently moved to a new state, transitioned to Connor being the sole bread-winner, and me staying home to take care of our one-year-old (and, in two months, our newborn!). We had a lot to talk about. Having those special moments to check in with your spouse are so important. We both went to  bed that night feeling loved, understood, and united.

And then a few days later, that unity went out the window. Connor was having a rough day (like everyone does from time to time) and I was playing the victim, hard.

My brain did me no favors that day as I thought: “How could my husband be having a ‘bad day?!’ I did this for him, and THIS! He should be ecstatic right now! I slave away to make him happy and now he’s cranky. This isn’t right. He doesn’t even love me. I can’t believe I have to deal with this.”

And when I inevitably blew up that evening we had a long hard talk. And I found out that I regularly play the victim in our relationship. Not because my husband told me this, but because when we got to a place where I could understand him again, like the night of our anniversary,  I realized I had spent the entire day stewing on how I was being wronged. How I wasn’t being loved like the Bible says I should be. And I had let my bitterness sink so deeply into my heart  throughout the day and over the past three years that it took us hours to get anywhere. I hadn’t taken any time to think about Connor, about whether I was loving or serving him well (I wasn’t, by the way.)

“Hi, my name is Kathryn, and I’m a chronic victim.”

And now that I know that, I have to confront it. I am tasked to change myself for the better. I yearn to be the best wife I can be. To breathe in Proverbs 31 and be my husbands ever-flowing fountain of peace.

I’m not naturally gifted with the art of bringing peace…kind of like I’m not gifted at making coffee (however, now that I’m drinking this mornings batch, I am not 100% disappointed – progress!!). Not jumping into the role of the victim is going to be hard. It will be trial and a lot of error. I’ll mess up most of the time and cause more strife than necessary. BUT. Over time, I will make a few “perfect” cups that go down heavenly – no crunchy grinds, not too strong, not too weak.

In my opinion, those smooth, aromatic cups are worth every ounce of effort.


community brew link up


12 thoughts on “The perfect cup {a marriage post}

  1. The awesome thing about marriage is the learning and growing factor–and I think no matter how many years pass by, that factor will never go away and it’ll keep being important for us to pay attention to what areas we can still grow in. It definitely takes a good dose of humility, though!

  2. love this analogy! beautiful! :) it’s so neat and yet hard how marriage shows us SO much about ourselves we probably wouldn’t have realized otherwise! it is encouraging to me to see you confront this about yourself & work through it! thank you for sharing!

  3. Oh man, this post really hit home with me! “Hi, my name is Sarah, and I am a chronic victim.”
    I do this ALL the time! Slowly my eyes have been opened to it and I have been working really hard this last year to stop those thoughts before they ruin my entire day, but it is such a struggle. Thank you for sharing! :)

  4. I too am a chronic victim and it’s not easy to break out of that mold. I think it’s time I stop wallowing in self pity and step up and fix the problem within me. Easier said then done, I know, but have to start somewhere!

  5. Love this coffee-marriage analogy! I tend to play the “victim” as well. Sometimes we ned to step back and evaluate he bigger picture! Stopping by from the community Brew link up!
    Lacey Beth

  6. I love this analogy! Great post, Katherine. Isn’t it embarrassing how terrible we are to our spouses sometimes without even realizing it? As long as we can step back and admit it, then continually make efforts to be better and stronger, I think that’s what matters:)

  7. Love this, I often find myself pulling out the victim card and listing off all the reasons I deserve to be treated differently…such a struggle to honor and love our husbands always. Thanks for linking up!

  8. Wow, thanks for being so open and vulnerable about your marriage! I think it’s such a blessing to have a husband who is so good to me, even when I’m playing the victim card or being a stinker in any number of other ways. I think that’s often how he displays Christ’s love best. :-)

    Thanks for linking this up with the Faith and Fellowship blog hop!

  9. I love this raw perspective! Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable with us! It’s so easy to fall back on feeling entitled and being the victim but I’m so glad the Lord is challenging you to look at things differently.

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